So the "sd" I was talking about in the previous post has been completely ignoring my texts, looks like he was looking for a two-time thing or a cheap thrill. No loss to me.
I have been chatting with a new guy from SA and he told me he owned a car service business. He gave me a # and I googled him and wow, he owns this huge chain of stores with over 100 locations throughout various states. He put his income as 500k-1mil and net worth between 10-50 mil and after reading up on his business I actually believe it! I was hesitant at first cause his spelling wasn't too great. He is also not the typical SD who is well educated, this guy didn't go to college, but that's fine by me! His business is actually being investigated for shady sales tactics for over billing customers by the state but a SD's business ethics doesn't really bother me. At least he is who he says he is. As long as he isn't being investigated for murder or kidnapping etc his business dealings are his own business. He comes to LA weekly so hopefully we meet soon! This guy I think has a better chance of becoming a "real SD" and not really p4p. He has his allowance range stated between 3-5k. Now that's what I'm talking about, much better than these $400 each time dudes...
Now there is this other guy that messaged me tonight and said "I am ready to spoil you TONIGHT! I will spoil you $$$ and you spoil me with XOXOX" obviously looking for p4p. He offered $400 and I could go "shopping" in his electronic store. If I do I will just pick something with high resale value to sell on ebay since I don't need anything. I will keep him in mind, maybe for this weekend. I'm not sure though. I don't want to do it but damn I am broke! He is better than than the first p4p guy I met with because this guy has his own store so I won't have to "host", thankfully. He sent me his picture and I'm not really attracted to him, but what can you expect...
Another weird thing happened. I applied for a job in the "gigs" category of CL for a modeling/hostess job at a local club and the guy emailed me saying the job was already taken but IF I was interested he would be interested in an arrangement with me!! He said he will offer $2k a month but he will expect to see me twice a week! (Just sex). No dining, getting to know each other etc. Well 2k sounds good but 2k divided by 8 (sessions a month) amounts to a paltry $250 each time! That's as bad as low-end escort! Come one, I'm desperate and I need ALL THE HELP I CAN GET, but fucking is a lot of work (when it's with someone you don't truly like and don't enjoy) and for only $250 each time?? It's better than a minimum wage job but ugh.... He is not willing to negotiate at all. What do you guys think about this offer?
Off topic but I just went to Target today and got a bunch of food. Everything is so cheap there! Much cheaper than Vons etc. For example, they have Breyers ice cream for just $2.79 and I had a coupon off for .75 cents off so it was just $2.04! I think at Vons it goes for like $5.74 or somewhere in that range. Anyways, yea, I'm happy cause I got some cheap food. I spent only $24 and got a bunch of stuff to last me a week and a half or perhaps longer! lol
One of my hobbies is eating, I truly love to eat and I love everything at this store called Trader Joe's. I think it's only available in certain states but I love almost everything they have!
And even though I'm broke, I have been receiving lots of great high-end makeup lately courtesy of "swapping" on MakeupAlley. It's a process where you trade products that you no longer use or like for items that you really want. I have no problem using someone's used blush or eye shadow, I'm just not a germ or clean freak and don't mind used stuff. I have been loving Cargo blushes lately, just as much as my NARS ones. I received "The Big Easy" and I love it. Ironic thing is my blush collection is getting huge from swapping even though I'm broke. It only costs around $1.50 in postage per swap so it's not that bad... Plus once you get into it you can recycle bubble wrap and envelopes that others have sent you so there is no cost besides the postage.
Immediate issue at hand, I have a bunch of checks still "pending"that have not cleared yet! And I have to pay rent on the 3rd at the latest! I want to buy a money order this time cause I'm afraid that if I write a check it might bounce because I have another recurring payment around the 1st... One that I absolutely cannot get out of! I have to wake up early and go to the bank but I'm not sure if they will let me buy a money order if everything hasn't cleared yet! And after I buy the money order I will have just like $20 left in the bank!
I thought about selling my car but I don't know if I should... When I purchased my car it was "certified pre-owned" and it was around 39-40k with tax. The thing is that back then I was making so much money that I paid for it in CASH. Not literally a bag of cash of course, but I paid it in one lump sum without financing anything (cause I had bad credit). Thinking back now, if I never purchased that car I would have another extra 40k in CASH that I could use. WTF was I thinking? 40k is equivalent to my current rent payment for 3.3 years!!!!!! I think I was a little bit influenced by my ex but I also honestly never expected to be so poor. Seriously. I didn't think it would be possible. I just checked CL and I see my model with the same mileage selling for around 13-14k . I'll have to buy a beater like a Civic or Accord car to drive around and if that car gives me mechanical problem I will have to spend money fixing it. Is it so terrible that I want to keep my luxury car even though I'm broke?? It's the only nice thing I have left and it reminds me of how my life once was and what I was able to accomplish. I don't know if I should sell it or keep it... It sounds terrible and shallow but driving my car makes me happy. Even though it's old now, it's no longer new (never was, I purchased it used), I still love my car and am attached to it.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Met first guy fron SA in person - All he wanted was p4p
I haven't updated in awhile. You guys probably thought the blog was dead or died out... Well, I'm still alive...
I am actually even more broke than before. I haven't found a job yet and since I am self-employed I don't qualify for unemployment. I basically stopped eating meat on some days, have been eating lots of spaghetti but to be honest it gets kinda nauseating to eat the same thing over and over. I don't even know if I'm going to make rent on the 1st. My internet and cell could get cut any time. I do have some few business checks coming in but it's not much. A few weeks ago my bank account actually went negative and I had to put in some $ I got from a SD in order to get it in the positive again. Yes, I DID meet up with someone from SA and will tell you guys all about it later on in this post. Once my lease expires here (I'm in a 1br apartment by myself), I think I will have to "rent a room" or live with a roommate somewhere. I can't afford my rent anymore (it's around 1k which isn't really that much, I just can't afford it). I will really miss cooking as when you rent a room, some places do not allow you to cook plus even if they did, I don't really feel comfortable cooking in someone else's kitchen anyways. I like having my own :(
I will also need to get rid of all my furniture and my dining table, perhaps sell it on CL or something.
Ok, so I met with the SD that was into p4p. I was super nervous and felt like throwing up. We met at a local shopping center. This SD was not looking for a real "arrangement" more like p4p, but honestly, it seems like the MAJORITY of guys on SA want p4p and not an arrangement, at least from my experience. It went ok, just basic conversation and I felt nervous being seen with a much older looking man. Later that night he texted that he wanted to meet up the next day and for me to give him a bj in the car in the morning. Ok, so I KNOW that this is NOT really "sugar dating" or an "arrangement" but more like a escort type thing I guess but I was hungry, I had no money for gas in my car, less than $300 in the bank with no friends and family to turn to for help, so what choice did I have? I did it and strangely enough I didn't feel badly about it. The whole thing lasted about 3 minutes and after wards he dropped $400 cold hard cash in my purse. It was stack of 20's and the easiest money I have ever earned in my life. I didn't feel remorse or like I did anything wrong at all. I am an atheist and my morals are loose to begin with so I didn't feel much afterwards. First thing I did was go to the gas station to fill up my tank.
Afterwards he kept bombarding my with SEXTS, like texts messages but all sex related! Similar to the stuff Tiger was sexting to his mistresses.
He would text me stuff like "I want to tie you up and use toys on you and dildo your ass" (This doesn't offend me btw as I'm very open minded sexually) and stuff like "I want to cum all over your mouth" and "I want to fuck you in the ass". I had no problem with the text messages in regards to their content, it's just that they were going on ALL DAY and taking up way too much of my time and energy to text back. Now I know why he paid me $400, I was supposed to be at his beck and call and if I didn't respond right away he would text "Where are you? Are you awake yet?" It was exhausting.
I truly believe this guy is a sex addict and he's married too but neither are really my problems. He would drive from LA to OC (which is usually a 40min drive for me) in just 20 min for a bj and constantly sext ALL DAY LONG. I am amazed that he is actually able to be so successful and function when it seems like he is pre-occupied with sex and tying me up etc ALL DAY LONG!
He then wanted our second time to be in a hotel/motel. I felt a lot more nervous about this time than the previous one because I knew he wanted to go all the way. I was really nervous driving up there. He is really into S&M and bondage and using toys on me too. When I got there he handed me a huge bag of toys that he bought just for me. He asked beforehand what kind of toys I wanted and I told him but I didn't expect a huge bag like this. He used some toys one me and it was fine, I had an orgasm, not because of him but just because that's what my body does when it's stimulated.
The sex was bad, he couldn't even get hard. I think he has erectile dysfunction problems. He couldn't really get it inside of me and he was getting frustrated. It was painful actually, I think it's more painful when the guy can't get hard and it's like semi-soft and he is trying with all his might to "force" it in there. There's nothing pleasant about it. For some reason I felt miserable during the whole experience this time (even though I had an orgasm in the beginning). I still felt like I had to "earn" my money and like it wasn't as easy as the first time in the car. When all was said and done he gave me $400. I actually cried driving home (I don't really know why) but it was worth it because I NEEDED the money and I had to do what I had to do in order to stay alive. Unfortunately I don't have a network of family or even friends I can turn to. The only person I have to rely on is myself. Later when I went home and looked in the bag of toys I saw that he spent $158 on sex toys. I'd much rather have food (right now I need coffee, olive oil, chicken, ice cream etc). I am hungry and all I have is a bag worth of $158 of sex toys. Whoopdeedoo. I'd rather have clothes than a useless bag of toys.
I also noticed that this guy only texts me when he is super horny. After he "releases" I don't hear from him for days.
I don't know if this guy is super wealthy or whatever but I know he spends $400 each time like it's nothing, $400 is not a big deal to him. He also walks around carrying a huge wad of cash. He works in real estate development... I felt like the second time he really treated me as a whore, when it was done I just walked out. There isn't a mutual caring, friendship, connection, chemistry or anything else there, just sex, which makes me a whore pretty much. Ultimately I WOULD like a SD where we would have more of a connection but beggars and can't be choosers. I just had to do what I had to in that moment and so I did.
The problem with this dude is that he now wants me to "host" as he doesn't like hotels. I am SO not comfortable with that since I live alone plus my apartment unit is at an angle and one of my neighbors always has his door open and can see me walking in and out. My neighbor KNOWS that I have no social life and that hardly ANYONE comes over, they WOULD notice if all of a sudden I came home with an old white man. Besides, I want to separate my home life from this other life. I feel that it's completely unrealistic for him to expect me to host. He had the nerve to tell me that he will pay me $400 and I could use that to pay for the hotel/motel myself! WTF! A motel is probably at least $70 or so, so I would net $300 something from fucking him... It's already bad enough that he wants p4p and pays me only $400 each time, which isn't that much money but to ask me to pay for the room? My life sucks. I am so broke and desperate I might actually consider it. I think most motels are pretty expensive where I live, the one where we met up at was around $70.
Right after I did it I felt "surreal" like I can't really believe that I did that. In a way I felt sad because I felt like I don't have what it takes to make it out in the big world out there alone, I had to resort to the only asset I have, my body. I sort of feel like people would be "shocked" if they knew what I did. And in a weird way it also makes me feel like I will never deserve "true love" from a guy because of what I did but to be honest, I already felt that I would never be "loved" even BEFORE any of this. I can rationalize it sort of by thinking that most guys have fucked a whore at some point, whether in Vegas or Amsterdam, or most guys have had lots of sex partners etc, so why does it make me so much worse just because I got paid? No one will understand how desperate I was at that moment. In a way I am sort of "broken" and "emotionally damaged" inside BEFORE I ever met this SD. My ex bf screwed me over by stealing money from me, hitting me, choking me etc, so my way of rationalizing it now is if I'm going to give sex or my attention I might as well get paid for it. In the past when I gave my heart in return I got beaten up and abused by my ex and not only did I not get paid, but he TOOK money from me. (At least 15k worth throughout 2 years and that is not a joke).
A LOT of the guys on SA that I have run into are looking into p4p and looking for me to "host" because they are married. I KNOW this isn't really sugar dating and more akin to being a whore, I just don't have time to look for a real SD at this moment, especially with me not even knowing if I can make rent, etc.
Out of that $800 I got from that guy I spent $280 on car registration at the dmv and you know what, that wasn't even enough. My car registration is $400 something now because I was late! I still owe the dmv an additional $180! I deposited $260 in my bank account in order to get it out of negative. I spent $15 on a coffee machine. I spent $17 on a cheap ass rice cooker because my old one broke. I then brought $6 worth of chicken at Trader Joe's, Red Thai curry sauce, some fresh veggies (haven't had those in a LONG time), some bread, $1.99 on a dozen eggs. At least $40 in gas.
It's not even about luxuries, it's just what I needed simply to stay alive so I don't die and I hardly have any of the money left, I just have around $75 left and I still don't have enough to pay the dmv, cell, internet bill (just $45, I canceled cable tv, can't afford it!) and rent on the 1st!
I ran out of chicken so for dinner I just had basmatic rice from Trader Joe's with some spices in there with sauteed broccoli and cauliflower in curry sauce. No money for meat! I was still hungry and craving something sweet and I have a big box of pancake mix so I made pancakes and ate that with syrup for desert. Ugh, my life sucks. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother since I don't really have anything to fight for, except my own survival. I have no kids (don't want any), and no family really, not much friends. What am I struggling so much for?
I am actually even more broke than before. I haven't found a job yet and since I am self-employed I don't qualify for unemployment. I basically stopped eating meat on some days, have been eating lots of spaghetti but to be honest it gets kinda nauseating to eat the same thing over and over. I don't even know if I'm going to make rent on the 1st. My internet and cell could get cut any time. I do have some few business checks coming in but it's not much. A few weeks ago my bank account actually went negative and I had to put in some $ I got from a SD in order to get it in the positive again. Yes, I DID meet up with someone from SA and will tell you guys all about it later on in this post. Once my lease expires here (I'm in a 1br apartment by myself), I think I will have to "rent a room" or live with a roommate somewhere. I can't afford my rent anymore (it's around 1k which isn't really that much, I just can't afford it). I will really miss cooking as when you rent a room, some places do not allow you to cook plus even if they did, I don't really feel comfortable cooking in someone else's kitchen anyways. I like having my own :(
I will also need to get rid of all my furniture and my dining table, perhaps sell it on CL or something.
Ok, so I met with the SD that was into p4p. I was super nervous and felt like throwing up. We met at a local shopping center. This SD was not looking for a real "arrangement" more like p4p, but honestly, it seems like the MAJORITY of guys on SA want p4p and not an arrangement, at least from my experience. It went ok, just basic conversation and I felt nervous being seen with a much older looking man. Later that night he texted that he wanted to meet up the next day and for me to give him a bj in the car in the morning. Ok, so I KNOW that this is NOT really "sugar dating" or an "arrangement" but more like a escort type thing I guess but I was hungry, I had no money for gas in my car, less than $300 in the bank with no friends and family to turn to for help, so what choice did I have? I did it and strangely enough I didn't feel badly about it. The whole thing lasted about 3 minutes and after wards he dropped $400 cold hard cash in my purse. It was stack of 20's and the easiest money I have ever earned in my life. I didn't feel remorse or like I did anything wrong at all. I am an atheist and my morals are loose to begin with so I didn't feel much afterwards. First thing I did was go to the gas station to fill up my tank.
Afterwards he kept bombarding my with SEXTS, like texts messages but all sex related! Similar to the stuff Tiger was sexting to his mistresses.
He would text me stuff like "I want to tie you up and use toys on you and dildo your ass" (This doesn't offend me btw as I'm very open minded sexually) and stuff like "I want to cum all over your mouth" and "I want to fuck you in the ass". I had no problem with the text messages in regards to their content, it's just that they were going on ALL DAY and taking up way too much of my time and energy to text back. Now I know why he paid me $400, I was supposed to be at his beck and call and if I didn't respond right away he would text "Where are you? Are you awake yet?" It was exhausting.
I truly believe this guy is a sex addict and he's married too but neither are really my problems. He would drive from LA to OC (which is usually a 40min drive for me) in just 20 min for a bj and constantly sext ALL DAY LONG. I am amazed that he is actually able to be so successful and function when it seems like he is pre-occupied with sex and tying me up etc ALL DAY LONG!
He then wanted our second time to be in a hotel/motel. I felt a lot more nervous about this time than the previous one because I knew he wanted to go all the way. I was really nervous driving up there. He is really into S&M and bondage and using toys on me too. When I got there he handed me a huge bag of toys that he bought just for me. He asked beforehand what kind of toys I wanted and I told him but I didn't expect a huge bag like this. He used some toys one me and it was fine, I had an orgasm, not because of him but just because that's what my body does when it's stimulated.
The sex was bad, he couldn't even get hard. I think he has erectile dysfunction problems. He couldn't really get it inside of me and he was getting frustrated. It was painful actually, I think it's more painful when the guy can't get hard and it's like semi-soft and he is trying with all his might to "force" it in there. There's nothing pleasant about it. For some reason I felt miserable during the whole experience this time (even though I had an orgasm in the beginning). I still felt like I had to "earn" my money and like it wasn't as easy as the first time in the car. When all was said and done he gave me $400. I actually cried driving home (I don't really know why) but it was worth it because I NEEDED the money and I had to do what I had to do in order to stay alive. Unfortunately I don't have a network of family or even friends I can turn to. The only person I have to rely on is myself. Later when I went home and looked in the bag of toys I saw that he spent $158 on sex toys. I'd much rather have food (right now I need coffee, olive oil, chicken, ice cream etc). I am hungry and all I have is a bag worth of $158 of sex toys. Whoopdeedoo. I'd rather have clothes than a useless bag of toys.
I also noticed that this guy only texts me when he is super horny. After he "releases" I don't hear from him for days.
I don't know if this guy is super wealthy or whatever but I know he spends $400 each time like it's nothing, $400 is not a big deal to him. He also walks around carrying a huge wad of cash. He works in real estate development... I felt like the second time he really treated me as a whore, when it was done I just walked out. There isn't a mutual caring, friendship, connection, chemistry or anything else there, just sex, which makes me a whore pretty much. Ultimately I WOULD like a SD where we would have more of a connection but beggars and can't be choosers. I just had to do what I had to in that moment and so I did.
The problem with this dude is that he now wants me to "host" as he doesn't like hotels. I am SO not comfortable with that since I live alone plus my apartment unit is at an angle and one of my neighbors always has his door open and can see me walking in and out. My neighbor KNOWS that I have no social life and that hardly ANYONE comes over, they WOULD notice if all of a sudden I came home with an old white man. Besides, I want to separate my home life from this other life. I feel that it's completely unrealistic for him to expect me to host. He had the nerve to tell me that he will pay me $400 and I could use that to pay for the hotel/motel myself! WTF! A motel is probably at least $70 or so, so I would net $300 something from fucking him... It's already bad enough that he wants p4p and pays me only $400 each time, which isn't that much money but to ask me to pay for the room? My life sucks. I am so broke and desperate I might actually consider it. I think most motels are pretty expensive where I live, the one where we met up at was around $70.
Right after I did it I felt "surreal" like I can't really believe that I did that. In a way I felt sad because I felt like I don't have what it takes to make it out in the big world out there alone, I had to resort to the only asset I have, my body. I sort of feel like people would be "shocked" if they knew what I did. And in a weird way it also makes me feel like I will never deserve "true love" from a guy because of what I did but to be honest, I already felt that I would never be "loved" even BEFORE any of this. I can rationalize it sort of by thinking that most guys have fucked a whore at some point, whether in Vegas or Amsterdam, or most guys have had lots of sex partners etc, so why does it make me so much worse just because I got paid? No one will understand how desperate I was at that moment. In a way I am sort of "broken" and "emotionally damaged" inside BEFORE I ever met this SD. My ex bf screwed me over by stealing money from me, hitting me, choking me etc, so my way of rationalizing it now is if I'm going to give sex or my attention I might as well get paid for it. In the past when I gave my heart in return I got beaten up and abused by my ex and not only did I not get paid, but he TOOK money from me. (At least 15k worth throughout 2 years and that is not a joke).
A LOT of the guys on SA that I have run into are looking into p4p and looking for me to "host" because they are married. I KNOW this isn't really sugar dating and more akin to being a whore, I just don't have time to look for a real SD at this moment, especially with me not even knowing if I can make rent, etc.
Out of that $800 I got from that guy I spent $280 on car registration at the dmv and you know what, that wasn't even enough. My car registration is $400 something now because I was late! I still owe the dmv an additional $180! I deposited $260 in my bank account in order to get it out of negative. I spent $15 on a coffee machine. I spent $17 on a cheap ass rice cooker because my old one broke. I then brought $6 worth of chicken at Trader Joe's, Red Thai curry sauce, some fresh veggies (haven't had those in a LONG time), some bread, $1.99 on a dozen eggs. At least $40 in gas.
It's not even about luxuries, it's just what I needed simply to stay alive so I don't die and I hardly have any of the money left, I just have around $75 left and I still don't have enough to pay the dmv, cell, internet bill (just $45, I canceled cable tv, can't afford it!) and rent on the 1st!
I ran out of chicken so for dinner I just had basmatic rice from Trader Joe's with some spices in there with sauteed broccoli and cauliflower in curry sauce. No money for meat! I was still hungry and craving something sweet and I have a big box of pancake mix so I made pancakes and ate that with syrup for desert. Ugh, my life sucks. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother since I don't really have anything to fight for, except my own survival. I have no kids (don't want any), and no family really, not much friends. What am I struggling so much for?
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