No Such Thing As A Happy Ending Or Fairy Tales

I have always had a negative attitude towards men ; "All men cheat" or "There's no point in getting married because you're just going to end up getting cheated on" etc and I think sugar dating will just make it worse since I am already SO jaded and cynical.

I don't believe in fairy tales. I never want to get married or have kids. I am older too, so it's not like I'm just 21 and saying this for shock value. I don't want to say my age, but let's just say I'm already out of my 20's :) I am not afraid to die alone. I've been alone for most of my life and don't have any girlfriends really. I know that I can't count on anyone except myself. If I were to fall I would have no safety net. If I don't make it in life then I might very well end up on the streets homeless; I have literally no one to "rescue" me, no one to pick me up, no family or friends for help and I'm proud that I have made it this far in life without falling yet.

I'm just afraid that Sugar Daddy dating will make me sort of "hate" men more than I already do because almost all of them are married. I don't understand why so many women want to get married. Your husband is most likely going to end up having sex with someone else on the side anyways. No thanks, I'd rather be alone.

One of the SD's I'm e-mailing wants to meet up soon. It's not a real date or anything, just a coffee date. I'm trying to postpone it for as much as I can. I hate blind dates and meeting new people, I have extreme anxiety just thinking about it and I can't drink to calm my nerves at all because I have to drive :(

I am really depressed, I need to find a job and it's so difficult right now. Does anyone have an idea of what is a potentially high earning career for someone who is poor in math and science? Unfortunately all of the high paying careers are all in engineering or medicine. If I was talented in those subjects I would go for one of those professions in a heartbeat. I can't even find a regular office job or receptionist type of position right now. It's so bad :( I'm so depressed all the time, I really miss the days when my business flourished and I didn't have to worry about money. I don't want to go into what type of business it is, but it's not profitable anymore and I'm unable to make it work today (it worked a few years ago). I was thinking of underwriting perhaps but I would need to get my foot in the door first by working as a loan processor but I can't find any jobs!

I hope I can find a SD who can hook me up with a real job. I have massive debts (not credit card related, something else which I don't want to mention on here) in excess of 20k which I'm making payments on :( I really regret not going back to school when I was making excellent money around three years ago. Back then I had money AND time. I really thought I was invincible and that my income would only go up and not down. I never imagined it would get to this point. I didn't save my money either, I purchased a luxury car (upfront with no payments) and bought a lot of clothes. I also lived in an expensive place and was throwing all my money away in rent. I've learned from all my mistakes and if I get a SD all my money will go back towards paying off my debt and living expenses, NOT clothes or makeup. I don't care anymore about shoes or clothes or makeup. I just need my basic expenses taken care of. I don't even want to dream about luxuries anymore, because that's all those items are now to me; just a dream :(

In my fairytale fantasy I would be with this particular younger guy (let's call him "CollegeBoy"), not an older SD. I love younger guys :) And I don't care if he is poor, I would be happy to be poor with him:) It's the truth. The only problem is that the younger guy that I am obsessed with doesn't feel the same way about me. He doesn't like me whatsoever (except for the sex). We're just each others bootycalls, we're not even friends. So since I can't have what I truly want and since I'm broke I decided to find me a SD. I really feel that if CollegeBoy would take me right now I would abandon all sugar hunting plans. I would give up everything for him, he just doesn't want me.

I've never had a bf who treated me well or bought me presents or gifts (not even for Christmas or my birthday). My ex was abusive and used to slap and choke me and on top of that we had terrible sex. So now I think if I'm going to give up some of my body to someone I might as well get something out of it. I pretty much have nothing to lose.

Sorry if my blog is so negative. I'll try to be more cheerful and positive next time. I'm just being honest when I write; it's how I feel and I guess I'm a depressed, negative person by nature :(