Met first guy fron SA in person - All he wanted was p4p

I haven't updated in awhile. You guys probably thought the blog was dead or died out... Well, I'm still alive...

I am actually even more broke than before. I haven't found a job yet and since I am self-employed I don't qualify for unemployment. I basically stopped eating meat on some days, have been eating lots of spaghetti but to be honest it gets kinda nauseating to eat the same thing over and over. I don't even know if I'm going to make rent on the 1st. My internet and cell could get cut any time. I do have some few business checks coming in but it's not much. A few weeks ago my bank account actually went negative and I had to put in some $ I got from a SD in order to get it in the positive again. Yes, I DID meet up with someone from SA and will tell you guys all about it later on in this post. Once my lease expires here (I'm in a 1br apartment by myself), I think I will have to "rent a room" or live with a roommate somewhere. I can't afford my rent anymore (it's around 1k which isn't really that much, I just can't afford it). I will really miss cooking as when you rent a room, some places do not allow you to cook plus even if they did, I don't really feel comfortable cooking in someone else's kitchen anyways. I like having my own :(

I will also need to get rid of all my furniture and my dining table, perhaps sell it on CL or something.

Ok, so I met with the SD that was into p4p. I was super nervous and felt like throwing up. We met at a local shopping center. This SD was not looking for a real "arrangement" more like p4p, but honestly, it seems like the MAJORITY of guys on SA want p4p and not an arrangement, at least from my experience. It went ok, just basic conversation and I felt nervous being seen with a much older looking man. Later that night he texted that he wanted to meet up the next day and for me to give him a bj in the car in the morning. Ok, so I KNOW that this is NOT really "sugar dating" or an "arrangement" but more like a escort type thing I guess but I was hungry, I had no money for gas in my car, less than $300 in the bank with no friends and family to turn to for help, so what choice did I have? I did it and strangely enough I didn't feel badly about it. The whole thing lasted about 3 minutes and after wards he dropped $400 cold hard cash in my purse. It was stack of 20's and the easiest money I have ever earned in my life. I didn't feel remorse or like I did anything wrong at all. I am an atheist and my morals are loose to begin with so I didn't feel much afterwards. First thing I did was go to the gas station to fill up my tank.

Afterwards he kept bombarding my with SEXTS, like texts messages but all sex related! Similar to the stuff Tiger was sexting to his mistresses.

He would text me stuff like "I want to tie you up and use toys on you and dildo your ass" (This doesn't offend me btw as I'm very open minded sexually) and stuff like "I want to cum all over your mouth" and "I want to fuck you in the ass". I had no problem with the text messages in regards to their content, it's just that they were going on ALL DAY and taking up way too much of my time and energy to text back. Now I know why he paid me $400, I was supposed to be at his beck and call and if I didn't respond right away he would text "Where are you? Are you awake yet?" It was exhausting.

I truly believe this guy is a sex addict and he's married too but neither are really my problems. He would drive from LA to OC (which is usually a 40min drive for me) in just 20 min for a bj and constantly sext ALL DAY LONG. I am amazed that he is actually able to be so successful and function when it seems like he is pre-occupied with sex and tying me up etc ALL DAY LONG!

He then wanted our second time to be in a hotel/motel. I felt a lot more nervous about this time than the previous one because I knew he wanted to go all the way. I was really nervous driving up there. He is really into S&M and bondage and using toys on me too. When I got there he handed me a huge bag of toys that he bought just for me. He asked beforehand what kind of toys I wanted and I told him but I didn't expect a huge bag like this. He used some toys one me and it was fine, I had an orgasm, not because of him but just because that's what my body does when it's stimulated.

The sex was bad, he couldn't even get hard. I think he has erectile dysfunction problems. He couldn't really get it inside of me and he was getting frustrated. It was painful actually, I think it's more painful when the guy can't get hard and it's like semi-soft and he is trying with all his might to "force" it in there. There's nothing pleasant about it. For some reason I felt miserable during the whole experience this time (even though I had an orgasm in the beginning). I still felt like I had to "earn" my money and like it wasn't as easy as the first time in the car. When all was said and done he gave me $400. I actually cried driving home (I don't really know why) but it was worth it because I NEEDED the money and I had to do what I had to do in order to stay alive. Unfortunately I don't have a network of family or even friends I can turn to. The only person I have to rely on is myself. Later when I went home and looked in the bag of toys I saw that he spent $158 on sex toys. I'd much rather have food (right now I need coffee, olive oil, chicken, ice cream etc). I am hungry and all I have is a bag worth of $158 of sex toys. Whoopdeedoo. I'd rather have clothes than a useless bag of toys.

I also noticed that this guy only texts me when he is super horny. After he "releases" I don't hear from him for days.

I don't know if this guy is super wealthy or whatever but I know he spends $400 each time like it's nothing, $400 is not a big deal to him. He also walks around carrying a huge wad of cash. He works in real estate development... I felt like the second time he really treated me as a whore, when it was done I just walked out. There isn't a mutual caring, friendship, connection, chemistry or anything else there, just sex, which makes me a whore pretty much. Ultimately I WOULD like a SD where we would have more of a connection but beggars and can't be choosers. I just had to do what I had to in that moment and so I did.

The problem with this dude is that he now wants me to "host" as he doesn't like hotels. I am SO not comfortable with that since I live alone plus my apartment unit is at an angle and one of my neighbors always has his door open and can see me walking in and out. My neighbor KNOWS that I have no social life and that hardly ANYONE comes over, they WOULD notice if all of a sudden I came home with an old white man. Besides, I want to separate my home life from this other life. I feel that it's completely unrealistic for him to expect me to host. He had the nerve to tell me that he will pay me $400 and I could use that to pay for the hotel/motel myself! WTF! A motel is probably at least $70 or so, so I would net $300 something from fucking him... It's already bad enough that he wants p4p and pays me only $400 each time, which isn't that much money but to ask me to pay for the room? My life sucks. I am so broke and desperate I might actually consider it. I think most motels are pretty expensive where I live, the one where we met up at was around $70.

Right after I did it I felt "surreal" like I can't really believe that I did that. In a way I felt sad because I felt like I don't have what it takes to make it out in the big world out there alone, I had to resort to the only asset I have, my body. I sort of feel like people would be "shocked" if they knew what I did. And in a weird way it also makes me feel like I will never deserve "true love" from a guy because of what I did but to be honest, I already felt that I would never be "loved" even BEFORE any of this. I can rationalize it sort of by thinking that most guys have fucked a whore at some point, whether in Vegas or Amsterdam, or most guys have had lots of sex partners etc, so why does it make me so much worse just because I got paid? No one will understand how desperate I was at that moment. In a way I am sort of "broken" and "emotionally damaged" inside BEFORE I ever met this SD. My ex bf screwed me over by stealing money from me, hitting me, choking me etc, so my way of rationalizing it now is if I'm going to give sex or my attention I might as well get paid for it. In the past when I gave my heart in return I got beaten up and abused by my ex and not only did I not get paid, but he TOOK money from me. (At least 15k worth throughout 2 years and that is not a joke).

A LOT of the guys on SA that I have run into are looking into p4p and looking for me to "host" because they are married. I KNOW this isn't really sugar dating and more akin to being a whore, I just don't have time to look for a real SD at this moment, especially with me not even knowing if I can make rent, etc.

Out of that $800 I got from that guy I spent $280 on car registration at the dmv and you know what, that wasn't even enough. My car registration is $400 something now because I was late! I still owe the dmv an additional $180! I deposited $260 in my bank account in order to get it out of negative. I spent $15 on a coffee machine. I spent $17 on a cheap ass rice cooker because my old one broke. I then brought $6 worth of chicken at Trader Joe's, Red Thai curry sauce, some fresh veggies (haven't had those in a LONG time), some bread, $1.99 on a dozen eggs. At least $40 in gas.

It's not even about luxuries, it's just what I needed simply to stay alive so I don't die and I hardly have any of the money left, I just have around $75 left and I still don't have enough to pay the dmv, cell, internet bill (just $45, I canceled cable tv, can't afford it!) and rent on the 1st!

I ran out of chicken so for dinner I just had basmatic rice from Trader Joe's with some spices in there with sauteed broccoli and cauliflower in curry sauce. No money for meat! I was still hungry and craving something sweet and I have a big box of pancake mix so I made pancakes and ate that with syrup for desert. Ugh, my life sucks. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother since I don't really have anything to fight for, except my own survival. I have no kids (don't want any), and no family really, not much friends. What am I struggling so much for?